User Profile

im lauren, 15, live in louisiana, and this is about trying to get through my depression and anxiety, and dealing with my suicidal mind.so here's the story.
looking back, i dont think i've ever been a truly happy kid.my parents were divorced and fought a lot, and i would cry a lot for my mom and be hesitant to leave her.I've always been very sensitive and emotional.But when i started to realize probably had depression, i was a freshman in high school.it's a magnet school, one of the best in the state, so it's a tough school.due to my procrastination, i often stayed up late working on assignments.i started to get less sleep, and was tired everyday, all the time.and i felt sad and dumb cus i was working my butt off to get srtraight a's in my regular classes when all my friends were in honors classes making staright a's.so i feel totally stupid at that school.towards the end of the year i started thinking about suicide, not doing it, but thought about how i'd do it if i attempted suicide.then i started to experience with cutting and overdosing.it became an obsession.at first i just tried to overdose to slip away fro a while to escape my depression.nothing was satisfying me, i became more depressed, so then i started dong things like cutting and overdosing in terms of suicide attempts.i didnt get help or tell anyone until last june, when i went to camp.we were just sitting on a bed talking it was me my cousin and a friend, and i just started talking about school an how it sucked and it led into me telling them about my depression.i never planned on telling them, it just happened.so i was planning on telling my mom about it soon after.i just had to get the courage up to tell her.but before i could she ws like, i know you've been sad and i've made you an appointment.so it turns out my friend and cousi had told a few people.i was mad, because i wanted to tell my mom i was going to, i know they were worried buti was gonna take care of it.so they started me on anti-depressants but towards the end of summer i just stopped taking them.and my depression worsened as i entered my sophomore year in highschool and it got really tough and stressful, and i wsn't sleeping.i was tired, depressed, and stressed.i was really getting into attempting suicide, but everytime i tried overdosing i just thre it all up.all this time i was trying to get the guts to tell my mom but it was sooooo hard for me.i just couldn't do it.finally i wrote her a note and told her i was suicidal but all that happened was i got back on anti-depressants, which didnt help because i was still attempting suicide.so finally in december, after attmpting suicide then refusing to go to school, i told my mom look, i want to kill myself.so off we went to the er where i stayed for about 14 hours in a little tiny room, waiting for a bed to open in as adolescent psych unit.w/o much sleep they finally found an open bed and shipped me off there where i stayed for 5 days, feeling alright after leaving there.but i started to feel depressed and suicidal again.i've had about 4 or 5 episodes of crying and feeling suicidal since i left the hospital, about 4 weeks ago i think.now im starting to feel up again but then i go down.which leads meto think i'm bipolar.now i dont get super mania moods, but i feel unusally happy and feel lik, hey this is just fine..and then i go back into my the world sucks mood.so thats how its been currently.
i also think i might be developing and eating disorder.i've been watching my weight, weighing and dietinf and being so freakin self-conscious since i was 10 years old, when i was a huge fat cow and weighed 145.currently im about 113 but i want to get down to 100 at theleast.so i keep on trying to starve myself until i get to a weight i'm happy at.if i feel really full and huge i'll try to throw up the food i've eaten.i've taken screening tests online for this and they're like, u have an eating disorder.so anyway, most of my journal entries will be about all this stuff.

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